December 11, 2009
There are times when I feel very ungrateful. I am blessed, I suppose, even though I am not religious, to have a good life. I have a wonderful family, I do not go hungry, I have a roof over my head, and honestly, possess the majority of my material needs and desires. Is it wrong that I somehow still feel unfulfilled? I think so and it leads me to feel angry with myself while still yearning for more.
I do not live the life I envisioned myself living. I had a child too young, two months shy of my 21st birthday. I feel grounded to the life I lead now in order to provide a stable life for my beautiful, wonderful daughter. I would never ever change the fact that I had her, because she is my joy but I often find myself pondering over what could have been. I wanted a life of adventure, of journeying off to distant, foreign lands. I now find myself confined to a life of suburbia. I know many people have taken their children on their life’s journeys but I am fearful of sacrificing a normal childhood for my daughter in place of an adventurous adulthood for myself. I’m torn between what I think is right, I don’t even know if I think anything is the right way.
Would she be angry if we picked up and moved with little notice? Would she regret constantly being in one school system in order to cure my wanderlust? Would she be content to take part in her mother’s most desired fantasies?
I wish there was a magic pill to cure wanderlust and to be happy with what you have. I am thankful but I’m still hoping there is more out there for me. Perhaps she’ll seek the same things I do and wish to experience the same things when she is a young woman, then I’ll have two partners in crime (simply because her father would be dragged along, he may not wish to go, but he wishes to be with us wherever) to reach my dreams.