So, I have cancer…on with life!

January 2, 2010

I recently came across this blog again and looked back on my January post “Cancer lurking in the shadows”, what an appropriate title and what irony. I’ve had cancer all along.

For those of you just tuning in that haven’t found out from another source I was diagnosed with a rare form of bone cancer, called telangiectatic osteosarcoma, on December 16th. It’s very likely that I’ve been misdiagnosed since January. The pathologist misinterpreted the results from my January surgery to remove the bone tumor and from the August surgery. On my latest surgery on December 2nd, they had no idea what it was, so they sent it away to Mayo Clinic and wallla! a diagnosis of telangiectatic osteosarcoma. I’ve had a PET/CT scan and a CT of my lungs done but won’t know the results until Monday. Anticipation, anticipation. Well, a more accurate reading of my feelings would be fear and hope with anticipation that everything came out clear.

I’ve been doing so much research on this disease it feels like my head is spinning. I’ve found sarcoma support groups but have been unable to find another individual who has suffered from telangiectatic osteosarcoma. Even my doctors are unaware of anyone. I’ve always been rather unique and enjoyed it but, I think this time I’d prefer to be mainstream. If you have to have cancer you certainly don’t want a rare one and on top of that a rare one that hardly anyone has ever had. It’s a bit discouraging and I feel rather alone.

I find it odd that people don’t start rushing to get things done until they find out they may die. We’re dying everyday yet we put off things and wait until we’re more prepared and better equipped to do them. Well, this news has really put things into perspective for me. I may only be 23 but, my life is now and well, you never know.

My family and friends say I am handling this brilliantly. The truth is, I don’t know how to handle it. I’ve always been one to make jokes, poke fun, and try to be cheery…which is how I’m attempting to handle this. Displaying emotions other than happiness or displeasure has never been a strong suit of mine. I prefer to keep the emotions that make you the most vulnerable, sadness, fear, heated anger all under control and well disguised. Usually, this isn’t a problem. Now, I’m not sure of who I am anymore. I’ve found myself crying at night, hiding in the bathroom or silently sobbing into my pillow. I smile and joke around my friends and family, because they’re there for me and make me remember that I’m still me, they remind me that I’m still funny, witty, loving, stubborn, sarcastic Jamie. But, when I’m alone, I find myself lost and fearful. It’s funny how one word can make you so frightened and unsure of yourself yet, so hopeful at the same time.

I’ve neglected this journal but, I’m going to keep it updated throughout my journey from now on.

Happy New Year to everyone.

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