Another Round and Mini Meltdowns

February 27, 2010

Time for an update. I had chemotherapy in-patient again from Saturday-Wednesday. This time I got a lovely dose of Methotrexate, which wasn’t half as bad as the Adriamycian and Cisplatin combo I had last time. I was actually awake and coherent during my stay, which was probably bad because I was bored out of my mind for 5 days. I tried to occupy my time with reading, writing, and wedding planning. I go back in tomorrow for yet another Saturday-Wednesday stay and then again next Saturday-Tuesday. Having only two days home is a bit depressing. You never know how much you miss your own bed, being able to sit on your porch, or just sit on your own couch until you’re stuck in the same white walled room with beeping machines hooked up to you for days on end. They even let me out early, my levels were .1 over but I was begging them at that point! I told them to give me more stuff to pee (lacix, I believe it’s called?) so I could flush that folic acid out of my system! I was up every 20 minutes tripping over the power cord, my poor nurse was having a nervous breakdown from me!

I’ve reached the point where I’m having mini meltdowns. Callie talked to me on the phone in the hospital and cried and asked when I’d be home. It broke my heart. She’s far too young to understand the severity of the situation, which in a way, I’m thankful for. But, at the same time, it hurts to know that she’s upset when I’m not here.

Today I attempted making grilled cheese and had a mini freak out because I could hardly stand up long enough to do it. I was such an active person before all of this happened. I just sat on the floor and cried because I was just so tired. Poor Brandon and Callie were bewildered as to why I was on the floor crying, swearing under my breathe about grilled cheese. I’m glad they put up with me, I’d certainly think I was insane. At least I didn’t burn the sandwich.

I think that the realization that this is my life until at least September has really hit me. And after April, I’ll be in physical therapy from my knee replacement and tibia replacement, which is like a double whammy with chemo. Everyone thus far has commended me on my spirit and positive outlook…I’m trying not to lose it but, it’s just difficult when you literally feel ill almost 24 hours a day.

There is also the dealing with “looking like an alien” as I call it. I was upset when my hair fell out, okay with my leg hair no longer growing (one nice perk!), but not so okay with my eyebrows and eyelashes falling out. I’m ordering some “real human hair” (I hope!) eyebrows for the wedding and will don some fake eyelashes. Other than that, I wear my glasses around a lot so dirt doesn’t get into my eyes. 😦

At least this hospital stay I’ll have my wedding invitations to work on. My oncologist okayed the date since it will be on my 3 week break between my last pre-surgery Methotrexate chemo and my surgery. So, April 10th is the day!

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