March 13, 2010
When I first received my cancer diagnosis many people around me asked me if I was angry or if I placed blame upon anyone or anything in particular, including God. Now, I have never considered myself a religious person. I grew up surrounded by mainly “Christian” ideals but nothing ever really stuck. Upon entering college, I became interested in the subject of anthropology and actually received my first BA degree in it. I found anthropology fascinating because it was a way for me to religious ideals believed throughout the world as well as discover the scientific aspect of the evolution of human life. Now, I proudly consider myself a daughter of many religious beliefs and scientific ideals. The thought of blaming someone or something for my cancer did not really compute with my system. I do not acknowledge or dispel the belief of a God like being but, if there were one, why in the world would they want to inflict such pain upon others? I asked others this and they asked me why they would not stop it? I did not have an answer and still do not. I’m sure people who are strong in their religious faiths of various beliefs can concoct an idea but, for me, a person of mixed spirituality and science, I have none.
All that I do know is that I’m not angry. Yes, I am upset and frustrated but not deeply angry. I believe that the key to remaining happy is being positive. I also believe that in life, some things have a reason or a purpose. I’m not sure what purpose me having cancer is exactly yet but, I do know that thus far, it has made me appreciate life’s small beauties in such an amazing way. Don’t misunderstand, I was indeed a very happy person prior to my diagnosis but now, I just feel as if I see the world differently. I look around and see love, friendship, and beauty rather than anger, hatred, and letdowns. I enjoy sitting out on my patio watching the birds swim by in the lake and feeling the cool air brush against my skin while hearing my daughter tell “Look mama, a duck!”.
I’m not really sure where I’m going with all of this but, I think the main point that I am trying to get across is that a person does not have to be significantly religious or anything to have faith that things will work out. I have many friends that are religious and find peace, happiness, and solstice in that but, people who are agnostic, atheist, or simply unlabeled can achieve this same state too. if you look deep inside yourself and look within your loved ones, you’ll find it.